week 10 was living three days in one. My favorite way to live. Languid and shapeshifting with the light of the day. That’s how the city is, that’s why these days are the best. Again I meet the face of Surrender. I look her in the eyes and trust what they tell me. I look down into the depths of my stomach and trust what it tells me. I try to. I know what I want and need, though it can get cloudy.
Existential reconciliation, questioning, but trying not to think too hard. I think I need to read more and think less. Take more naps in the sun. Do the opposite of anything serious. Live simply , richly. My dreams are pointing to things I need to pay attention too. I don’t know where to go, though, still.
4 March 2024
another day, a new floor, rejuvenation and sleepiness. Yesterday I fulfilled my quest of meeting an illusionist (technically I met two) and here is what I gathered:
they’re incredibly personable and make an effort to understand the people/environment around them.
they must know how to read body language
an illusion is just manipulation of a narrative, sometimes using props to show the manipulation physically.
Seeing the show, I got exactly what I wanted from it. It was very entertaining and I hope to go to more magic shows in the future. But it also really mirrored to me that this reality is malleable and we can all be illusionists! That life is the greatest illusion of all. I am an illusionist too. Everyone can be, we just have to understand our own powers.
Media is based on narratives, especially centered around lifestyles, and they can often lead us to believe that life is meant to be one way or another. But it’s not, of course. This is why art is important, why books are important, why talking to people and interacting with the world is important. This is why staying open is important.
I’m not sure what my next quest will be— some part of me wants to go somewhere I’m ‘not supposed’ to be, like crashing a party, or to be tasked to do something by a total stranger. I need a sign to solidify this. Equal parts sign and desire.
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K told me the other day that he wanted to be more animal, more instinctual. I want to as well. How can I put it into practice? I asked him. He was mostly referring to his sexual desires. I understand what he was saying— getting caught up in your head instead of just acting. I do it too, talk instead of act, tell instead of show..
Every place I’ve ever lived is a reflection of how action surpasses my ability to rationalize. My writing is a reflection oof that too. Sure, I can talk about all my ideas, but what I do and what I write comes from somewhere else, its just a matter of how much space I make for it to exist.
5 March 2024
Seeing what I can take from the inside. When it feels like nothing is left, I can go deeper. I can find something else. As Rilke advocated for — “don’t you have but your entire childhood inside you?” (or something like that). We are our own keepers, though sometimes we forget it.
I am teaching myself to befriend hunger on all levels. I’d like to unlock a new idea of patience just as much as a new level of desire. How can I hold out? How can I find power within myself without taking anything in? How can I savor what I do take in? I feared hunger for a long time. I feared becoming weak. I feared also the greed too much hunger may induce, and of course it backfired.
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