Maybe I should stop questioning all together. Maybe I should be more still, even though movement makes things grow. I am soil that needs to be tilled, or so I’d like to think.
This week I learned a lot from the faces of friends old and new. This week I danced and drank and celebrated and it left me feeling Full on Monday morning. The pages are teaching me to go deeper and are pulling me back into writing. I think by the end of it I’ll be different. But at the end of every beginning we are different, no? Every day, every hour, every breath? we are always arriving at something.
toil toil toil. Spring is blowing in. change is coming. change is our only promise.
11 March 2024
The Italians leave today. I’m sad that their time here was temporary. They brought a new light to my life that I really needed— that of pursuing friendship, intimacy, love. Having them here, with my life here, and watch them establish relationships of their own with people I love, was incredibly inspiring. They’re giving me a new hope of achieving dreams, of going after exactly what I want.
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I’m thinking about living and working in hostels abroad for a period of time, maybe for the summer. A and J are both huge inspirations for me, being that they have both done this and can’t say anything bad about it. I have to do more research, but it feels right and seems like it might be the jump I need… There is a possible plan I can craft.. These next weeks I need to tune in, pay attention to what’s coming to me, to not fear. say yes, resist less. Keep passions and goals alive. To put the pen to paper and write what I wish to achieve. To remember I can always come back.
13 March 2024
I feel lighter. I am tired, but lighter. I’ve been socializing a lot, eating meals with friends, being with people. Pulling back from the world never saved me. Engaging saved me. Even with the books under my nose, the poets that pop in and out of my mind, the napkin and pen at the bar stool. This is my school, where I learn, where the problems are solved..
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I’ve been thinking a lot about love again, and what exactly I want. I’m relieved to come to terms with the fact that I don’t want some grand relationship right now, that I’m open to the people I’m meeting and experiencing all different types of connection. I always felt pressure to have a ‘someone’ in the way others do, but I’m recognizing that it isn’t part of my constitution at this period in my life. I like meeting different people. Putting all my eggs in one basket led to intense loves that crashed and burned, friendships that crashed and burned.
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Otherwise, I’m focusing on the simple. Reading, writing, sunlight, friendship.
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